he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
