I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
