A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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