I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They took my balls.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
