literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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