i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I could fuck to npr.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
