I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Welp...herpes.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
