last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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