Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
