Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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