if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
