god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
