You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
