pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
