hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
