had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
