lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.