my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dating After Heartbreak
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick