remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.