Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick