You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just had sex bonerless
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
