Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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