So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
