I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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