piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
