I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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