she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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