oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
