I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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