Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
