forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
