My friends, they love my intelligence
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
