i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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