he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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