She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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