I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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