Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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