I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
