I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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