she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
