You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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