How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
