Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
