Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm drive I can fine osifer
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
