On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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