I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
