just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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