you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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