i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
