I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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