then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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