He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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