Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
