"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
