That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
