im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
