Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
