I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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