This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How naked do you want me to be?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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