So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
