If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I would ride that face into the sunset
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
