I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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